People keep asking me why I haven’t written a blog post recently. I’m well prepared for this question, with a whole raft of defensive answers citing how busy I am finishing off my second book whilst trying to keep the first one afloat. I rarely mention that my intense laziness plays a part in all of this…
But it inspired me to write about my typical day, and publish it on The Displaced Nation, an expat blog I regularly write for (see? Busy, I told you so!).
So for those who can face the inanity of a look into my life – well I guess that’s most of you, as that’s what this blog is generally about :0) – here it is!
As you can well imagine, it’s an extremely glamorous life, full of high-octane car chases, explosions and pithy one-liners… in my head, anyway.
I wake up at 6:40am. I’ve no choice, because that’s what time my wife wakes up. Much as I would love to moan at her about it, she’s doing it for me – in fact she gets up, gets breakfast and goes out to work, all in the name of supporting me while I lounge around at home, pretending to be a writer.
So, yeah, I figure it’s best not to grumble.
Even though it’s bloody freezing at 7am!
It continues to surprise me that it can be this cold in Australia. Who knew?
At random intervals throughout the day I receive instructions from the wife via text message.
‘It’s sunny out! Go for a walk.’
‘It’s raining – bring the washing in!’
‘Don’t forget to clean the bathroom today’
It’s because she loves me, but also because she’s lived with me long enough to know that I’m an idiot. Without these helpful prompts she’d get home to find I’d Tweeted my heart out, emailed everyone I know in this hemisphere and written thousands of words of my new manuscript – but that I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast.
Then, when she takes me to the gym I end up fainting halfway through the class.
Australia is an amazing place, for such a wide variety of reasons that I could fill this blog post waffling about them; but there’s one stand-out fact that makes a real difference at this point.
The wages here are good. Very good. So good in fact, that my wife, working part time as a cleaner, can comfortably support both of us! Now, we’ve been backpackers long enough to know how to live frugally. We rent a room in a share-house for example, rather than splashing out on our own flat. But other than that, I’d say we do okay. We eat out plenty, go to parties and the cinema, and have a gym membership so ridiculously expensive I sweat more thinking about it than I do using it – but we manage it all quite comfortably, on one part-time wage.
I’ve never found another country where this is possible.
A Good Morning!
After wading through a mountain of emails, Tweets and Facebook messages – some of which aren’t even spam – I finally get to start on the real work. And then…
- 10am – check my sales.
- 10:02am – shout “WOOHOO!” unnecessarily loudly, pissing off my student friend in the next room, who doesn’t have to be up ‘till 12.
- 10:05am – celebrate with a coffee.
- 10:10am – back to work, until…
- 10:30 – check sales again – just to be sure I wasn’t imagining things.
- 10:32am – Wake up students again with another cry of ‘Woohoo!’
- 10:35am – celebrate with another coffee…
As you can imagine, I also spend a lot of time on the loo.
There is a compulsion amongst self-published authors to constantly check our sales and our Amazon rankings. This is because, unlike ‘properly’ published authors, we have access to this information in real time. Watching sales tick up one by one – or watching them stubbornly refuse to do so – is a highly addictive (and utterly pointless) pass-time.
I DO NOT suffer from this.
I check less than five times a day – except on the days when I check more often. Which is quite often.
But I don’t suffer from the compulsion. At all.
I also don’t do denial.
So, we’ve reached lunch. Or rather, we should have. By this time I’m usually quite deep into the world I’m writing in – which for me is my own torrid past. Having to nail it down so completely, with colours and gestures and remembering what people said, sends me into such a vivid re-living of the event I’m describing that I lose all track of time. If I don’t get that text telling me to eat, I don’t eat.
Which is one reason why I’m so skinny, despite sitting in front of my desk all day.
When I do get the text, it scares the hell out of me.
I’m usually sitting in silence. I can’t work with music on, or else I end up listening to the lyrics and, inevitably, singing along with gusto. As the student in the next room can attest, I’m one of the worst singers in the entire country. Maybe even the world.
So all is calm, and quiet, and focus – only the rhythmic clacking of keys disturbs the air. Then my phone screeches at me and I jump three feet off my chair, in a move that amazes anyone lucky enough to see it happen.
“How the hell do you jump that high while you’re sitting down?” they ask.
“You must have some potent muscles in your arse!”
“Why thank-you,” I tell them. “It’s all the practice I get, talking out of it.”
My wife gets home and takes me out to the gym. I rely on her because I can’t drive – at least, I can now. I took a test in December (my first, at age 33), and passed with flying colours. But I haven’t driven since, so I tend to rely on her – not just for money, but as a taxi service too.
But anyway, we only have one car. Or more accurately, about 2/3rds of a car; it’s gotten considerably shorter since she crashed it into the back of the taxi a few months ago. But it still works, so what’s the problem?
Although I do have to put my hand under the bonnet to start it.
After the gym – assuming we’re not going straight out for dinner with friends, to pile all the calories we’ve just burnt back on at Nandos, we wend our weary way home.
She cooks, and I clean up afterwards – because a) she’s been cleaning all day, and b) I can’t cook for toffee. Seriously – beans on toast is the pinnacle of my culinary ability. And I usually burn at least one component of it.
While she cooks, I finish off whatever piece of writing was rudely interrupted by the end of her working day.
After dinner I Tweet, and Facebook, and email – but from the comfort of our bed, where we sit with our legs up watching a movie.
And eating ice-cream, because if you’re going to go to the gym four times a week, you might as well make it worthwhile :0)
And then it’s 10pm: well-earned sleep time for the wife. After all, she’s got to be up at 6:40 the next morning.
So I tuck her in and sneak downstairs, where I carry on Twittering, writing the odd guest post, sending out review copies of my book to bloggers, replying to emails from readers, making posts on forums and indulging in my two main vices: a glass of wine, and allowing myself to write a bit of a sci-fi novel I one day hope to publish. Ah, good times!
At around 2am I generally remember that I’ll be getting up at six as well, as it’s impossible to get back to sleep after seeing the wife off to work; it’s also usually around this time that someone living in a far more sensible time-zone strikes up an interesting conversation on Twitter…
But I try to be in bed by 4.
I don’t always make it.
Y’see? I told you! Pure, unadulterated glamour…
Hmmmm…my darling, are you saying that I am….”Industrial sized”?! 🙂 And by the way, now I know what you get up to in your working day, I’ll be sending you more jobs via text!
Just kidding, you do need more sleep though…
My love, you are perfectly in scale and proportion. It’s me that’s huge! I’m a bit like an enormous remote-controled House Husband toy. Press green to make him do the laundry! BZZZ! Press red for food..!
Tony, if you wore more clothes you might not be so cold at 7AM.
Pah! Clothes are for people who can’t handle the cold! Oh, I see your point. I think it’s much more efficient a solution to just stop being awake at 7am… I’m working on that instead :0)
Out of all the blogs I read – and I read lots – yours is the funniest by far! 🙂
I must admit I share a lot of your traits as well 🙂 Shivering while braving out the Australian winter has been one of them! 😉
While I’m up by 7am to start woke at half past on most days, you’re probably unwinding after your long, hard day of working. Good luck with your second book btw … I’m just starting to work on my third – my first book of complete fiction!
Wow, making the cross into fiction eh? Good luck with that! I’m tempted myself, but not really sure about the quality of my descriptive writing… maybe once I get another couple of books under my belt I’ll have the confidence for that. I think I’d try a bit of sci-fi. What are you writing?
It’s a chick lit type story about a girl who suffers a brain trauma and it turns her whole life upside down. She currently works as a doctor in an A&E department but after her experience she finds she can’t cope anymore because it reminds her too much of what she’s been through herself. So she sets out to find another career at the expense of her marriage and sanity. I’m half way through my second chapter outline so it shouldn’t be too long before I actually start writing the damn thing. I hope it turns out alright 😉
Good luck writing your next book! 🙂
That’s great, good luck with that! You’ve picked a tricky enough subject for yor first fiction! I think if I ever get around to it, I’ll stick with something nice and simple like space aliens… :0)
Love it! This one had me laughing out loud. Yes, the many ways we can pass the time that does not involve actually writing a blog post. I’d hate to think how many times a day I boil the jug for a fresh cuppa!
Yes, and tidy the bedroom, take out the rubbish, discover some old dishes under the sink that have been lurking there unwashed for the better part of a decade… all vitally important to do NOW – the writing can wait a few minutes longer… :0)
Thanks for visiting Amanda!