So, the dust has settled on my latest incident of outright stupidity.
Am I wiser?
Permanently cocooned in bubble-wrap?

No – not yet, at least! I certainly feel like a bit of a plonker, though 😉 Here’s what they did to me:

Jaw Xray

Note the metal plates, which fixed the split down the middle of my jaw. This has caused some loss of sensation in that area, presumably due to nerves they had to cut, so a few of my more exaggerated facial expressions are now off the cards.

The two matching fractures on either side of my jaw, just below the hinges, they decided to let heal themselves – wiring my jaw shut just to be on the safe side! This led to my kitchen looking a bit like the bodybuilding aisle at the supermarket, as it’s incredibly hard to get a sensible amount of calories and nutrients when everything you eat has to come in through a straw.

Protein Shelf

It did mean that my daily dish-washing chores were dramatically reduced though…

Sink of dishes

And on the upside, although my jaw is still a bit swollen – and my chest needs a shave – if any of my Romance writer friends need some gratuitous abs for their next book cover, I’m available nice and cheap 😉

Tonys Skinny Abs

A total weight loss of almost 6kg or 13lb (from a starting weight of 75kg or 165lb) has left me in dire need of a new wardrobe. Luckily, Roo has set herself the task of fattening me up again – presumably to slaughter in time for Christmas…

My first eating experience after getting my jaws unwired was a bit of an anti-climax. It probably serves me right for having it at McDonalds.

But I’d been craving a Big Mac ever since Roo went away – not surprisingly, junk food featured high on my list of survival foods while she was off camping for a week. And because I broke myself less than 12 hours after she left, I didn’t get to eat ANY OF IT!

First Big mac

So, I settled into my plastic chair and eyed the fresh burger hungrily. It had been four full weeks since I’d eaten anything solid.

And… It was weird.

Turns out, if you don’t use your jaw for a while, it gets weak. Now Big Macs aren’t known for their hardness, so I figured it would be an ideal re-introduction to the world of solid food. Unfortunately, like the star of my favourite Kiwi cartoon ‘Beached Az’ (check it out HERE) – I can’t chew bro! In fact, every mouthful was such a mission – and the act of eating itself felt so unpleasant, so different with all the missing and broken teeth, not to mention painful – that I pretty much resigned myself to a liquid diet again.

Cider through a straw
A liquid diet has its compensations…

Luckily, it did get better – most notably after my first appointment with my incredible dentist Dr. Laura Hall. She had to use quite a lot of filling materiel – roughly a wheelbarrow’s worth – and she strapped the remains of one of my molars together with a metal band in a last-ditch attempt to save it. My pain level is already way down, and I’m starting to get used to the new alignment of my jaw and what’s left of my teeth.

All that remains is to keep on eating… Roo is super happy to accommodate this, and is on the hunt for softer options in the surrounding restaurants. I might even get to try this place, which I’ve been eyeing up ever since I spotted their hilarious sign:

Mexican Food With Wall

However, the newly-opened authentic Chinese restaurant near us hasn’t quite got me tempted. I dunno, there’s almost something TOO authentic about that menu…

Pork Bung Menu
I will give you a fiver if you try the Pork Bung. Seriously.

So, I’m firmly on the road to recovery and starting to regain my strength. I hadn’t really appreciated how weak a full month of sub-1000-calorie days had left me, until I tried to walk up a few hills in Araluen botanical gardens. I managed though, and it was nice to be out in the sun. Roo took plenty of photos of the tulips – I think she actually managed to run out of storage space on her phone, which hasn’t happened since Dubrovnik! It was gorgeous though:

Tony n Roo at Araluen


Tulips at Araluen
It’s tulip season!

Throughout this whole ordeal, I can honestly say that two things have really made the difference, keeping me going when I started to get despondent. One is coffee – my daily walk to the local petrol station to get my fresh cup o’ Joe got me out and moving, and I calculate that coffee alone contributed over a third of all the calories I consumed last month.

I even dug deep in the back of our kitchen cupboards to find some tasty treats I’d been saving… but for some reason, they didn’t taste as good as I expected.

Out of Date Coffee
Turns out it was a tad past its use-by date…

And the other thing that’s kept me going? Well, that’s a no-brainer. It’s my gorgeous, wonderful, and infinitely supportive wife, Roo. Although I probably shouldn’t have introduced her with the words ‘thing’ and ‘no-brainer…’ Oops! Sorry love!

This week, along with celebrating my return to a solid-food diet, Roo and I also celebrated our anniversary. Not of the wedding, which I purposefully arranged to coincide with my birthday so I wouldn’t forget it… (I still forget it every year – along with my birthday…). No! This was the anniversary of that magical moment, twelve years ago, when we first got together.

In the shower.

Bless her, Roo hasn’t stopped blushing about it since. Of course, she’s thrilled that so many people have now read about it…

Just another fringe benefit of being married to a professional idiot!


Me n Roo in Hammock

27 thoughts on “Aftermath

  1. Good on you Tony! You’ve been through the mill mate…but you remain the chipper tooth-chipper you always have been! Best wishes to you and Roo!

  2. Wow, it’s going to take a while to be up to speed with eating properly. How lovely that you put Ito words and share with us all how you feel about Roo, after all we have all shared so much of your lives so far!
    Go steady young man and thanks for the up date. Glad to see your latest book doing well.

  3. I don’t believe we have the details yet on the fall in the garden. How the heck did you manage to do such a job on yourself? Glad you’re feeling more like yourself.

  4. Tony, you brought to reality one of my worst nightmares: having my teeth fall out. I know that for you, you fell and knocked them out. Mine is having them just fall out Ren and Stimpy style….I’m glad you’re on the road to recovery now.

    1. Yeah, me too – I’ve had a reoccurring nightmare for years about my teeth falling out! When I came around after the fall, my first thought was, “How can I be having the tooth-falling-out nightmare? How did I get home to bed?” And then I realised I wasn’t dreaming at all… 😮

  5. It takes a writr to say idiot things and then turn it around to be the sweetest ever. Good luck with the healing—you both look gorgeous

  6. Just one picture of your smile now? Just a little bitty one? I promise not to show anybody! (ok, that just was kinda creepy!)

  7. Hi Tony
    You certainly have lost weight and certainly need fattening up which I’m sure Roo will have fun doing. You take care and please go careful we need you around for more books. Best wishes to Roo. Sue x

  8. Thanks for the update, Tony. It looks like a liquid diet sure does work for losing weight but I hope you can start enjoying proper food soon. The photos of your x-ray are scary – to see how much damage you did to yourself! But I’m glad the healing process as started and I’m sure Roo will soon fatten you up. The photos of you and Roo are great – and we’re privileged to have shared in your love story! Take care!

  9. Sure hope someone takes you up on that romance book cover gig! You deserve some good things coming your way. Tough times, but they’ll get better. Hugs to you and Roo.

    1. True enough, and Roo has been feeding me pasta like it’s going out of fashion! Only one slight problem… I’ve had to blend every bit of it! EUGH!! So, no pasta for a while now, methinks 😉

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