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Postcards From The Edge

A picture tells a thousand words, right? Well, let’s hope so. Because I’ve run out of words! I’ve been talking so much these last few weeks that I am literally losing the ability to expel new words from inside of me.

So what I’ve decided to do is dazzle you all with the photos we’ve been taking – ones that have missed the cut so far, and not made it onto Facebook or the blog. Partially this is because I don’t post photos as often as I should, and partially it’s because I take pictures of really weird sh*t that amuses me, and somehow it doesn’t seem nearly as funny five days later when I find the photos…

It’s a context thing. That’s my excuse.

So in celebration of that, I will attempt to give you a brief context for each picture. You may even gain some insight into the inner workings of my mind… in which case, BEWARE! It’s not a particularly wholesome environment in there…

Paperwork

I’d like to begin with a salute to the sheer amount of paperwork I brought with me on this trip…

Having struggled to get into the US a few times before (see ‘Don’t Need The Whole Dog!’, for example) I needed to make SURE they couldn’t refuse us. So I bribed the boss at work in Perth for a letter saying we’d be coming back, I printed out bank statements, offers of accommodation from 200+ people, our schedule, our flights, our train tickets, the receipt for the car we were buying… even a screen grab of my Spider book at the top of the charts, in case they had any doubts about what I was up to here.
And you know what? The bastards didn’t look at a single page of the stuff. So I’m including this picture to illustrate the anguish I felt when I had to abandon all this in a nameless motel room, on the grounds that it was making my rucksack over a kilo heavier. DAMN IT!!! (The many hours all this took to create is part of the reason why the rest of this trip is so badly organised…)

Shower slimed

And this is what I mean by taking photos of weird sh*t. This is actually the results of a slight accident I had whilst taking one of my first showers in the USA. I slipped (I’m known to do that) – and I liberally decorated the walls in shampoo in the process. This amused me, of course, because I have the mind of a twelve-year-old boy. (It’s in a box in the car). What amused me even more is that I refused to clean it off, and left it for the cleaners to find the next day. I like to think I was giving them a laugh, too. Or spreading the love, as I call it 😉

What Road?

Next we have a road sign we passed on the way to Las Vegas. I know it’s the middle of the desert, but come on! Someone was taking the piss when he named this road. I can just see him putting it forward to his very bored superiors, and them cracking up over the thought of people trying to pronounce it…

Large Mantis

Next up is this rather large preying mantis sculpture, which we discovered on the far end of Fremont Street in Vegas. It’s over 40 feet long, articulated, and it blows fire from its antennae. Well, of course it does! This is, after all, Las Vegas. But the weirdest thing was being told by the giant mantis, in a Star Trek-style computer voice, to “Take lots of selfies, and upload them to Instagram,”. Whilst blasting massive gouts of fire from its deely boppers to reinforce the point. If you’ve never been commanded to take selfies by a 40-foot tall fire-breathing mantis, then clearly you’ve never been to Vegas…

Down Sign

Next we have a rather self-explanatory shot from my Amusing Signage folder. Does it surprise anyone that I have an amusing signage folder? Really? Anyway, this one had me in stitches – quite possibly because I was very drunk at the time – but I’d LOVE to know who decided that the direction ‘down’ was so confusing to customers that it needed pictorial explanation. Roo had to physically restrain me to prevent me adding, “No shit??” in biro. My poor stupid head is already abuzz with potential Facebook memes for this one… anyone else want to have a crack?

Bowl of Baby Heads

Here we have a photo I call ‘Bowl of Baby Heads’ – for reasons far too complicated to explain. Suffice to say, I found this selection of decapitated dolls’ heads for sale in possibly the best Antiques Store I’ve ever been in, in Astoria, Oregon. In terms of Halloween decorations, this is right up there with those severed limbs you can get for hanging out of your car boot – but personally, I’d just like to have this sitting around on the coffee table, as a conversation piece. Or stopper. Imagine showing in guests… I’ve never wanted a house-warming party so much in my life! Or a house, come to think of it.

Alas Poor Yorik

“Alas, poor Yorik!” What can I say? The frustrated actor in me just couldn’t help it.

Not Dairy

Next we have something far more scary than a bowl of baby heads! It’s the ‘milk’ they provided at a hotel buffet, for putting into my coffee. I damn near did it, too, before realising that it was ‘Not a Dairy product.’ But… WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS IT, THEN? A closer inspection reveals it to be a concoction of soybean oil, corn syrup, three kinds of acids, four kinds of salt, and ‘Artificial Colors’ for good measure. So, much healthier than that awful cow’s milk crap people have been drinking for decades! Honestly, why do we even need dairy in our diet, when we can so easily replace it with man-made chemicals? Perhaps all those non-dairy folks have got the right idea after all. I mean, compared to the shocking and well-known side effects of drinking milk, what possible harm can come of replacing it with this?

Anyway. Because this blog has mostly been me moaning about or laughing at the general stupidity of this world, here’s a bit of relief from all that, in the form of one of Roo’s photos. Because they say you should always end on something cute. Well, assuming something cute will still let you, if you’re so close to the end…

Anyway! Enough of such nonsense. Here’s a racoon. Enjoy! And don’t forget to leave your comments in the box that’s named after ’em  😛

Love from Tony.

Racoon

40 thoughts on “Postcards From The Edge

  1. I know–since it is tony I should say–replace xxxxxx with the city and state you are current,y in–hahahahaha

  2. America is full of impostor food such as non-dairy creamer, processed cheese food in the shape of a slice of cheese and the stuff that is in taco bell burritos that was once a bean but then was dried then rehydrated and mushed up then dried out and powdered again only to be mixed with water at its last destination before being squirted into/onto your pre-diarrhea meal of choice.

  3. I am so happy that you found the favorite part of the drive to Vegas! My ex lived in Vegas, so I made that trip often with them.. we still talk about Zzyzx Rd! [We decided to pronounce it ‘Zizz-Ix’.. and no, we never got off the exit to see where it led.
    I’m guessing there were just a few letters left in the ‘sign pile’.. so, after a few beers, Zzyzx was born!
    Thanks for the memory, it’s a good one! 🙂
    The rest? Well, I’m just glad you didn’t have the ::ahem:: shampoo accident in our shower!

    1. I have accidents everywhere, just not always with shampoo 😉
      As for the road, it turns out it’s a spa type resort (or was), set up by an infamous fake doctor in the mid 1900’s. He sold fake remedies, pretended to be a Phd and an MD, and was finally busted for it in the 60s! He Picked those letters so his spa could be ‘the last word in healthcare’!!

  4. If you leave something like that in my shower when you come, I will do something horribly unspeakable to you. That is all.

  5. An Elvis Sign

    Down, Down, Deeper and Down.

    *canned laughter*

    Thank u very much

    I’m here all week, try the steak

  6. I see baby heads with lightbulbs in planted in a patch of earth…
    Could be a Nursery at Halloween(gardening pun) ….what’s happens at ‘dead heading’ time.

  7. Dear Tony & Roo,
    I am so happy to make you two a part of my life. You brighten my day. If you get to Greensboro, NC, I would love to have you visit my husband and me.

    Keep travelling and writing!

  8. hI Tony & Roo. I shall enjoy looking at these as i recover from my second finger op. The joint i had fitted came apart so that had to come out and something different put in. I’m high on painkillers at the moment so will catch up later.

    Toodle pip

    Sue

    1. It was at an animal rescue centre, poor thing was a young un, being nursed back to health before being released. At which point, I’m sure it would go back to ripping people’s faces off… 😉

  9. Surely you should leave with some suspense!!! About to fall off a cliff….ready for next blog with no cliff in sight!! Just like the old movies shown to kids many years ago. At least it’s not ingrained in my mind. Other option the story with a douch douch douch (meant to be east Enders letting you know it’s a climax waiting to be revealed.

    1. Yeah, good point! Next time I’ll find something to fall off, and leave a will-he won’t-he bit hanging. Although, anyone who’s read my books will probably guess that, as a general rule, I fall off EVERYTHING 😉

  10. Funny stuff. Best guess on the road sign pronunciation: “zizzix”. As for the “Down” sign with arrow, should be followed up with “Watch Your Step”, or “This Way To Hell”, or written in small print under the arrow “Manual Elevator”.
    Baby heads in a bowl – priceless. Thank Roo for that cute raccoon picture. She knows they’re diabolical, right?

  11. So happy to see the bowl of doll’s heads made the cut. That cracked me up. I had some doll’s heads for sale on ebay last year. The guy who bought them was making a Christmas tree of out doll’s heads…. Not sure if that’s cool, or creepy… probably creepy. Tell Roo I ended up buying that big cabinet we found in the shop!
    Kathy

    1. Sorry! I’m so busy working on the new book, I sort of neglected the blog… it always happens! Part of the trouble of being a one man band. What I really need to be is some kind of manic, psychic, workahollic octopus 😉
      But I’ll get a post up in the next couple of weeks, I PROMISE!!!

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