Hi folks! Well, it can’t have escaped your attention that I’ve been slacker than a skinny chav’s tracksuit in the blogging department for the last couple of months. What can I say, beyond ‘I told you so!’ My blogging is as reliable and regular as my bowel movements, which is to say not very. Can’t say I didn’t warn ya!
My plan to generate more jealousy in the world got a big shot in the arm yesterday when I arrived at my secluded private villa in Malaysia. Oh, yeah! Do you wish you were here? Probably not, as I’m sitting here typing in the nude, but to be honest it would be worth wearing a blindfold just to appreciate the luxury of having your own infinity pool with waterfall and dinner served by personal butler on a veranda jutting out into the jungle…
Ahhh!! Anyway, more on that later. After my next massage perhaps :0)
My plan to become the world’s foremost blogger however, has made a little less progress. It is one of those goals, (like becoming an astronaut), that I am slowly starting to realize may not be worth the effort involved.
So. That being the case, this blog is CHANGING! (Don’t look! You can get arrested for that sort of behavior in Malaysia.)
I know some amazing people who are like blogging machines, scouring the net for the latest info, distilling it into readable articles and publishing it day after day after day – David Gaughran is the perfect example. The guy must live at three times normal speed just to fit it all in.
I’m less… mechanical? No… less motivated! Well God damn it, lets just come right out and say it: I’m crap at this. A lot of days I struggle to get out of bed at all – mostly because my bed has my wife in it, and I’d always rather be inside than outside. (Of the bed I mean). Blogging is difficult when it competes for time with all the things I could be doing (writing, book promoting); should be doing (getting a job and making enough money to buy food and pay the rent); and want to be doing (throwing myself off of very high things, sleeping, bathing in tomato sauce).
So in order to make this less painful for both of us – yes, I always have my reader in mind (thanks Fred) – this is what we’re going to do:
MORE blogs! You lucky, lucky dog you. Now flee.
SHORTER blogs! You lucky, lucky dog you. You can read me AND make a sandwich in the same afternoon.
MORE VARIED blogs! Okay, this one is a lie. What can I say? I’ve blogged about everything from sitting naked in snow to open cock surgery to… what’s that you say? I blog too often about nakedness and my penis? Aha! Fair point.
LESS BLOGS ABOUT MY PENIS! Unless you really, really want them. Sorry, say again? You do? Ah, well then. Just don’t ask for pictures. Oh yeah, that reminds me:
MORE PICTURES! These will most definitely NOT be of my penis. But I do reserve the right to be naked.
I think that about sums it up. It’s been a crazy year for me, and I don’t mean the kind of crazy you might say about a slightly eccentric friend or relative (as in ‘oh yeah, Frankie’s crazy man!). No, my year has been pretty full of insane. The highlights include my wedding, my sister’s wedding, emigrating to Australia, trips to the French Alps, to Jordan, to Malaysia, inheriting a large sum of money and spending it in one afternoon, publishing my first book, learning to drive, renovating two FILTHY houses and of course having a miniature blow torch stuffed up my willy.
Some of this year’s events will be featured in the posts to come (the fact that I got MARRIED might make an appearance); some will NOT feature (I’m looking at you, unexplained bowel movements).
For now though, I shall love you and leave you. Please look out for my newer, shorter, punchier blog posts. And when you see them coming, don’t run the other way – THEY CAN SMELL FEAR. Honestly, it will only hurt more in the long run.
As you text-speakers, say, SL,ATFATF!
(Ps. Anyone who can translate that text-speak will win… admiration. Of a generation. And perhaps a mention in the blog. See? I told you you were lucky!