Uncategorized

Cock Chop Op… Part 2!

The surgeon prepared his tools...

My girlfriend tied the gown shut around my back, thoughtfully leaving my arse on display, whilst a young nurse fed me painkillers. “These won’t wear off until a long time after the surgery,” she explained, with a sympathy that suggested I might be needing them.

And then we were on the trolley, crashing through double doors like they do in ER. My girlfriend was left beyond the last set of doors after issuing a final warning; “You’ll be fine, as long as you don’t think about getting a boner!”

Suddenly six people were working on me simultaneously. A stab in my hand for the anaesthetic, oxygen mask over my mouth and nose, two doctors taking turns in asking me questions whilst another wired me up to blood pressure and heart monitors.

“Wait!” I shouted. “I need to wee first!”

And that was the last thing I remembered.

When I woke up I felt great. High, even. And inexplicably my bladder was empty. Oh shit. That probably went some way towards explaining the look on the surgeon’s face. At some point during the procedure I must have pissed all over him. “Welcome back,” he said, none too convincingly. I had a brief thought that if there ever was a guy not to urinate on, this was him. The man with the knife. Thank God I was still attached.

An enormous tube snaked out of… well, out of the end of me. It led to a bag full of… well, you can imagine. A recovery nurse followed my gaze to where the bag hung from my gurney.

“Oh, don’t worry about that. We’re going to give you one of these.” She flung a packet into my lap. It contained a kazoo.

“What, I whistle when my bag needs emptying?”

“Ha! No. Here…” With a deft touch she whipped off the bag, opened the packet and attached the kazoo to the end of my tube. The tube from my end, that is. “You use this,” she explained.

Quite how was left to my imagination.

The Kazoo. Well, what would you do with it?

My cock was gigantic. Unbelievable. I wondered if they’d added collagen – either that, or there’d been a cock-up (no pun intended!) and they’d accidentally transplanted the knob from a giraffe. “It’s just fluid absorption,” the nurse informed me. “Don’t worry, it’ll be back to normal soon.”

Ah. Bugger.

As I left she offered me a syringe of clear liquid. “You use this if it gets sore,” she said. “You use it in… that area… you sort of… squeeze it in… put a bit in…”

I had to stop her. She was almost making me embarrassed. “Honestly, you can say it,” I told her. “I’ve just had my penis routed out. A whole operating theatre full of people have had their fingers up there. I’d really rather you told me where to put that stuff.”

“Okay. You squeeze it inside the end of your penis. It’s anaesthetic and lubricant. It’ll help.”

“Thanks. I’m sure it will.”

And it did.

For the next two days even moving was an agony. Going to the toilet was an experience I’m working hard to forget. I had to shuffle around the house legs akimbo, as though I’d lost my horse and had a chapped arse to boot. Climbing our rather narrow staircase was achieved mostly with my arms and teeth. By the time I’d shambled up, and weed, and got back down the stairs, I invariably needed to go again… It was two very long days and sleepless nights before the nurse came to remove my kazoo.

I was in so much pain that the weirdness of the situation didn’t strike me until I’d wrestled my pants down around my ankles. There I lay, naked on my bed, whilst a middle aged woman I’d never met made small talk about the weather as she poked my penis with the end of a biro. “You didn’t have to take all your clothes off,” she said. For some reason it hadn’t occurred to me to drop trouser without first shedding my t-shirt. To be honest I was just thinking about the industrial-sized cable that appeared to connect my willy to the musical instrument of choice for football fans everywhere. And about how much it would hurt when it was removed.

Down to business. The nurse was donning a rubber glove. “That’s a massive one,” she observed. And yes, she was talking about the tube.

“Well, I overheard the doctor discussing drill bit sizes before the op,” I told her. “You know that thing they bored the channel tunnel with? I think they borrowed that in the end.”

Nervous laughter followed. It was mine. Because the nurse was doing things with syringes, shooting me regular smiles in an encouraging manner – which could only mean one thing. She was about to inflict a massive amount of pain.

“This might be a little uncomfortable,” she warned.

Why the subterfuge? I mean, I knew it was going to hurt like hell. Sure as shit she knew it. So why the pretence? At least treat me like a man! Even if I am about to squeal like a pig. Honestly, I don’t think she was kidding anyone in the room. Had she said, “Okay, brace yourself, tense your arse cheeks and bite down on this piece of wood, ‘cause this is gonna feel like I’m raping your penis with a red hot poker covered in battery acid…” – well, at least I’d have had some respect for her honesty.

It wasn’t actually that bad.

Though before you breathe that sigh of empathetic relief, please re-read the sentence above; it wasn’t that bad. There was no acid. Just searing, red hot agony from bell-end to bowels as the tube was wrenched into the light of day.

Oh. My. God. Ouch. I swear you’d need a general anaesthetic to get a tube that thick down my neck, let alone up my willy. Thankfully it was now back outside of me, where it belonged. And as a token of her respect for the courage I’d shown, the nurse quite thoughtfully left the tube on my desk. At least I guess that’s why she did it, as I can’t think of any practical use she expected me to put it to. I could probably make 25 good strong straws out of it, but who would I get to drink out of them?

Anyway, back to me. I bled rather substantially and passed out.

And that, as they say, was that. I could walk again almost immediately. The pain subsided, as did (regrettably) my cock. I did consider illustrating the swelling with ‘before’ and ‘after’ style photos but luckily enough Krista hid the camera until I came to my senses.

And the consequence was, I have now regained the ability to pee up a wall. And write my name in the snow. In fact, with my new high-pressure nozzle, I could probably carve my name in plate steel. So if in future you see me running for the loo – get the hell out of my way! I could wee through you, and cut the next five guys behind you in half. Next time I get into a pub brawl I’ll have the rarely observed option of urinating my way out…

(And in the meantime – probably best not to stand next to me at the urinal.)

Uncategorized

The Cock Chop Op

DISCLAIMER! The following could be said to be in bad taste. In fact it’s disgusting. What can I say? That’s just me I’m afraid. I have bad taste in everything except women (I love you Krista!)

Once there was a boy called Tony, who thought he had a very fun game. He used to race around the top of the climbing frame, stepping quickly from bar to steel bar, amazing all who saw him with his daring.

Until one day he slipped. One foot went in front of the bar; one foot went behind it. And all the weight of an eleven year old boy, multiplied by the average acceleration of a small body in free-fall, went crashing down on to his testicles.

The boy thought it was the end.

He screamed and moaned in such horrendous pain that all onlookers vanished instantly. He was left alone to crawl home, bleating his sorrow and cradling his squashed spuds.

Fast forward to the present, and that boy has never been on a climbing frame since. In fact, he can barely remember the reason why he holds them in such dread. What is apparent to him is that his willy no longer functions like that of a normal man. It can’t shoot round corners or anything, but neither can it squirt. It wees in a dribble and is a constant source of frustration for the small boy, now a man (well, kind of).

Yes, it’s me. And I no longer dribble. Because last week a letter arrived that I’ve been waiting for  for a long time: my appointment for Open Cock Surgery.

I had less than three days to psyche myself up. Unfortunately I’d made the mistake of asking a doctor what this operation actually entailed. Bad Idea. Because he actually told me.

Suffice to say it would involve opening my willy as wide as it would go – then a bit wider – and inserting an arc welder. Or what I envision as an arc welder at any rate. Chuckling, the doctor said it was far more like a television camera – with a knife blade on the end. I chose to picture the arc welder. It seemed safer.

As the day arrived, questions bounded into my mind, some of them helpfully placed there by other people. “What if you get an erection during the surgery?” my girlfriend helpfully supplied. “Make sure you ask them,” instructed my mum, who was keenly planning our holiday to Jordan, “ask them how long before you can ride a camel!”

There’s a certain kind of tension which is only to be found in a surgical waiting room. Now imagine sitting in a room with six other guys – all of whom are about to have surgery on their cocks. To say the air was thick with fear would be an understatement on a par with saying the surgeon was unnecessarily cheerful. “All-righty-roo!” He poked his head around the curtain where I was undressing. “We’re gonna have an ittle-bitty look at what’s wrong with you.”

At this juncture I’d like to point out that there is nothing ickle, or bitty, about the area involved. In fact my size was a bit of a concern. “Whew, if we nick that you could bleed to death in seconds!” he said. I think the doc was making a joke. I think.

There was a form to fill out. Choice of anaesthetic? Hm… lots please! If I was placed under local anaesthetic, would I like to be conscious? If so, would I like a ‘tent’ over the operation site or would I like to watch… WATCH? Are you frigging kidding me? They’re going to cut open my penis! That is something no man should ever see. I’d need counselling for the rest of my life if I witnessed it. So… no, thank-you. I’d prefer not to watch you attack my precious, precious sausage with a power tool.

I was moved up this list – being a rare specimen of fitness and health (other than, you know, a block in my cock), they decided to operate on me first. Which was good news, as it meant they weren’t anticipating any problems. I like to hear that when my willy is on the table. But it also meant that my time to mentally prepare myself had just elapsed. I was going in now…

In case my imagination wasn’t working hard enough already, my gurney had stirrups.

To be continued… (and no, you don’t have to read the rest… I know, ugh!)

CLICK HERE FOR THE COCK-CHOP OP PART TWO…

Comedy, Travel

The Trouble With Travel

Buses bite

I love travel, I really do. In fact I’ve pretty much made a life out of it. But have you ever heard that expression ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff,’ and then, ‘It’s all small stuff’? Well, travel can be a bit like that. Lots of little things which by themselves are easy to ignore. It’s only sometimes, when they all add up at once, that it becomes… well, you’ll see.

For starters, travel in England is guaranteed to be less exciting. When I boarded the 502 National Express coach from Bridgwater to London I was hoping to spend most of the four hour, overnight journey asleep. I was admittedly a little dismayed when an Indian couple with a tiny baby followed me aboard, all the way to the back and sat directly behind me. I immediately gave up all thought of rest; if there’s one thing bus travel has taught me, it’s that bored infants within two feet are not conducive to a peaceful night. But what I expected to become an assault measured in decibels became instead something more… fragrant. The baby didn’t scream or wail – much – oh, no. She decided to spend the whole journey vomiting.

Alternating between intense snot-gargling and heaving with a sound like the death rattle of an asthmatic brontosaurus, the baby produced a range of sick noises that would impress darts team captains the world over. It didn’t smell too good either.

But that was not the source of the problem. There’s a special kind of stench which is only possible to achieve on public transport. Human kind have been using toilets for just a few millennia, so it’s hardly surprising that some of us have yet to grasp the complexities involved. Hence the quality of public conveniences the world over; even if only one person in ten struggles with the concept of not pissing all over the floor, by half past nine in the morning you’re still ankle deep in urine.

When you add the instability of a bus doing 60 mph down the motorway, then throw in the mood of the driver and the high probability of sudden and dramatic right turn – well, it’s hard not to imagine the state of the rubber matting in the toilet cubicle on the 502. Though how it gets so far up the walls remains a mystery.

Luckily the toilet has a door. It kind of has to really, or there’d be week old turds doing laps of the bus.

Unluckily, this toilet door was broken. It would shut and it would open, but it didn’t seem keen to remain in either state for very long. So every time the bus negotiated one of those delightful mini-roundabouts we’re so fond of in this country, the door gave a stately swing, generously wafting that most unique of odours across me on the seat opposite.

No wonder it was the only one left when I got on.

But it did help me avoid some slight embarrassment. Alerted by firsthand experience that the lock was probably knackered, I was clever enough to hold the handhold when I was forced to use the loo later – rather than perform my usual trick of remaining still by wedging my back against the door. Thus, I was spared the indignity of toppling backwards at the next sharp turn, possibly still urinating in a graceful arc above myself.

By the time I’d extricated myself from the cubicle the man had gotten his baby to sleep. She was wrapped around his neck and he was making a calming ‘SSS-sss’-ing sound. As I sat back down I couldn’t help but notice that every hissed breath blew right over the top of my headrest and gently lifted the back of my hair. That was slightly disconcerting. After a few minutes I sank a little lower in my seat. But I needn’t have bothered.

Because at that moment the baby woke up and volubly shit herself.

Spicy poo-stink spread like a fog, and in the sealed environment of the coach it seemed thicker somehow, and destined to stick around. As the subtle fragrance of curried diharreha drifted past my nostrils I reflected – perhaps I would get some rest on this trip after all. I was a heartbeat away from passing out completely.

But please don’t let me put you off bus travel in the UK. It’s nearly always not quite this bad…

Uncategorized

New Year’s Resolutions!

Tony naked in the snow
C-O-L-D!!!

It’s that time again…  Love ‘em? Loathe em? Love other people’s and loathe your own? No I’m not talking about wives, I’m talking about Resolutions. New Year’s ones to be exact.

This year I’ve made a particularly powerful list of the things wrong with my life and what I need to do to fix them. AND I’m gonna stick to my guns this time around! Honest.

Here begineth the list of New Year’s Resolutions:

1) I WILL WRITE longer and more interesting blog posts;

2) I WILL NOT allow myself to be distracted so easily;

3) Oh, hang on – just thought of something I’ve got to go and do…

Philosophy

Meditations on the Abyss…

Nah, just kidding! I thought it was about time for a deeply philosophical blog title. Hard to believe I made exactly ONE POST before it all went pear-shaped.

Well, since my last (and first!) post there has been a death in the family, which has taken my focus away from the digital world completely. It wasn’t a particularly close relative as these things go, but still there was grieving and a mountain of administration to get through.

It’s made me think a lot about death and, subsequently, about life. I might as well tell you what I mean by that. My Great Aunt Eunice passed suddenly and surprisingly on November 13th. She was in hospital with a minor ailment when her heart began to give out. The amazing thing is that my parents missed the call from the doctors which told them “Come in NOW.” It was several hours later that the message got through – just in time for me to arrive home from London, in fact. All together we leapt in the car and drove north for three hours. We arrived at the hospital, every member of her close family still living, and an hour after we got there she expired in our midst. Now this may not seem remarkable until you consider that she’d been at death’s door for most of the day; despite the delays and the distance, the break-neck mission down the motorway and all the hours elapsed twixt call and arrival – she died within an hour of us getting there. She waited for us – there’s no other way I can put it, other than a fantastic coincidence. No, that old lady KNEW we were coming, and she held on, and on – until she KNEW we were there. And then, safe in that knowledge, she could finally let go.

(This is the bit where I well up. Please excuse me.)

So what did it teach me? Well, one major thing, a lesson I’ve learned again and again in many different ways and times – but one which can’t be re-iterated enough.

In the end, love is all that matters. That old lady had led an amazing life. She’d seen hardship like few people I know, as a nurse in World War 2 and then raising a son only to lose him to a drunk driver. Later on she lost her husband, but she still kept soldiering on. And when the final curtain called, she waited to be surrounded by the people she still cared for, checking to make sure we were all okay before she went on to join those that waited for her.

She died quite well off, owing to various circumstances of her life. But she didn’t die grasping the money. Does anyone wait for the deal to be transacted, the sale to be made or the interest to be paid, before they die? I very much doubt it.

There’s only one thing which keeps a dying woman alive, hanging on, just waiting… and that’s love. Her family, or what’s left of us. So I guess my point, or my message if you like – that I took home from this, and so can you – is go out and Love. Get closer to your family. Remind them you love them, even if it doesn’t come naturally. Especially if it doesn’t come naturally. Because at the end, when everything else just stops mattering – that’s who will be there for you. That’s who you’ll be waiting for. And that’s who you’ll be saying good-bye to.

So make it count.

Love

Tony

R.I.P. Eunice Boulton, Matriarch of the Slater Clan, 22nd July 1923 – 13th November 2010. Joe and Stewart are waiting for you. Go with them.

Uncategorized

Welcome, Adventurey-types!

On Christmas Eve, 2009, I asked my girlfriend Krista to marry me.

She said YES! I was ecstatic. She was ecstatic. Her sisters – well, there are three of them so they were anywhere between two and a half and three times ecstatic. Basically, everyone was pretty happy. But within hours a cry had gone up from various friends and acquaintances. A question was posted on my Facebook page:

Is this THE END?

You see, I’ve been travelling and adventuring around the world for six years. I’ve only been home a couple of times (just long enough for mum to wash my clothes), before getting back out to where the action is. So what was worrying my friends was, with wedding bells in the air and serious plans afoot – was this the end of my grand adventure?

I was shocked. I sat down and wrote all my possible options on a piece of paper. It looked something like this:

  1. Stop adventure. Buy house and settle down. Have mortgage. Get a Real Job.
  2. RUN! Run for the hills! Make a Tony-shaped hole in the nearest wall with the speed of my escape and never, ever return!
  3. Continue adventure. Take Krista with me.

I showed these options to Krista. Luckily for me, she’s quite an adventurous girl herself  (here’s a picture of us adventuring together).

So after almost a minute of careful consideration (most of which was spent checking the nearest wall to see if I could actually get through it), she chose option 3. And once again, we were ecstatic. (But on our own, in our room, so no-one saw.)

And thus was born ADVENTURE WITHOUT END! In order to prove that our ridiculous exploits never will (end), and to document them in somewhat sarcastic prose – for future generations to learn what’s best not to do when travelling the world – I have created this… thing. This beast! Part blog, part travel memoir, and none of it was sent back from the future to kill Sarah Connor.

In these posts I will chronicle the amazing events of our life as they unfold, report on the previous adventures we’ve had, and try to inspire as many people as I can, to live a life of Adventure Without End! So, in my next post I will unveil the mystery that is me. Before your very eyes I will explain what makes me tick, what I have done and achieved, what I am going to do, and why you should care. Which is not to say that you will care, but you can at least try. I’m a nice guy God Dammit!

In the meantime I shall leave you in peace, to recover from the shock that there are now thirty million AND ONE blogs on the internet… I know. I was scared too. Want to hold my hand?

Love from Tony