Well, I just happened to see a bit of the Tory Conference on TV today (in my defence, I was in the gym!). Dumb-ass Theresa May was waffling on about how she was going to get tough on immigration.

But how is she going to do it? No word there of the strategies she will use to make it happen – just strong-sounding, yet ultimately empty, statements.

I know how to sort out the immigration problem. In fact I know how they could sort out the whole bloody country in three (rather dramatic) steps:

1) IMMIGRATION: Go door to door around every address in the country, comparing all residents against the electoral register. Any bugger who could potentially be an illegal immigrant should be sent to a detention centre, where each case is investigated and all illegal immigrants are held until there are enough for a deportation boat to their country. This will remove about 1/3 of the excess population, leaving more jobs and more government funds to go around. Foreign criminals should be deported penniless, all their assets seized and contributed to public funds in lieu of keeping them in expensive jails in Britain. Haulage companies should be issued huge fines (£5,000 each for the company and the driver) if illegal immigrants are found hiding in their trucks. Police have the power and active encouragement to stop and search trucks coming from all the main ports instead of spending their resources chasing speeders. All illegal immigrants are immediately interred in camps and deported asap.

2) SPENDING: Carry out the ultimate wastage investigation throughout the government. Find every department that is paying £18 for a box of paperclips because they come from a HM approved supplier and make ‘em go to Staples. Find every gigantic office block owned by the government ‘just in case’ and sell ‘em. Demolish every ridiculous subcommittee engaged in pointless policy wrangling and statistical analysis of five-year economic trends. Publish salary details for every elected person and civil servant and bring them all in line with equivalent private salaries. Fire all insanely overpriced advisors and consultants. As a result create more jobs with training in the same areas! And chuck all that spare cash at the NHS. I get a feeling they could put it to good use.

3) EMPLOYMENT: Make it illegal for any company to out-source their production/call centres/suppliers to another country if there is a suitable equivalent available in Britain, OR THE CAPACITY TO DEVELOP ONE. Any company wishing to shift their manufacturing base to India should have to prove that there is a genuine and pressing reason – and increased profit is NOT an allowable consideration. So if we can build a train in England, or have the potential to create a factory and workforce to build that train, it is illegal for the company to have it built in Germany or Poland.

And that’s it! Then, when we have a strong economy, comprised of people who are entitled to be here, with sufficient jobs and public funds for all – and on top of all that, a government we can trust, who are leading by example – THEN we can worry about tackling the bloody deficit! It’s always been there, it’s always been growing and every other country has the same problem, most of them much worse than ours. Does it affect our day to day lives? Whether we can feed our children? No. So leave it the hell alone until our more pressing domestic problems are sorted out!

Right! Rant over. Sorry about that folks. What do you think? Got any better ideas?  :0)