Missing Chapter Part Three!

Hi folks!

Sorry for the long absence. Not only have Roo and I switched hemispheres again, I’ve been crazy busy trying to get my latest sci-fi book finished. I know, I know! But don’t worry, I’ve still got plans outside the realm of exploding spaceships and genetically-engineered assassins.

Here, for example, is another of the fabled ‘Missing Chapters’ – the ones that didn’t make it into the final versions of my travel books. Today we have another example from ‘That Bear Ate My Pants!’ For a while, Toby and I were the only volunteers at Santa Martha, and we started to go a bit stir-crazy. The big boss Johnny’s solution was to take us to see a football match…

Needless to say, it wasn’t quite what we expected. I wrote this chapter about it, and loved it – but it didn’t add to the overall narrative, and when I needed to cut almost a third of the book out, this story wasn’t strong enough to stay. Still, a bit of fun. I hope you enjoy it šŸ˜‰

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Wet and Wild in Keswick!

Wet and Wild in Keswick

ROO:

When Rik and Debbie from the Newlands Activity Centre got in touch and asked if we would like to come and visit them and experience some of the wildest adventures in the Lake District we jumped at the chance. They were fans of Tonyā€™s travel booksā€¦ so having read about how clumsy and accident prone he is Iā€™m surprised they thought abseiling and kayaking was a good idea!

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Missing Chapters Part Two

Tony with a Lemon

Guess what, folks? Itā€™s Missing Chapter time! For anyone who missing the first Missing Chapter, itā€™s HERE ā€“ but hurry right back, becauseā€¦ umā€¦ well, Iā€™ll miss you!

This time weā€™ve got a story that I cut out of ā€˜That Bear Ate My Pants!ā€™ simply because it wasnā€™t good enough. I know ā€“ way to encourage you to read it, right? The truth is, when the agents told me my book couldnā€™t be longer than 100,000 words, I cried inside. Because Iā€™d already written nearly double that ā€“ and it had taken me six frigging years to do it!

Still. At that point I still had high hopes of getting ā€˜properlyā€™ published, so with a heavy heart I dove into my list of chapters and deleted as many as I could.

The first to go were the unfinished bits ā€“ fragments of jokes and funny stories that were too short to make chapters. Next I started on the full-length chapters, cutting out any that didnā€™t move the story along. If I found something hysterically funny ā€“ even after reading it fifty-odd times ā€“ I generally kept it in. If not, it got the axe.

So, here I present one of thoseĀ chapters. I liked it because it was a particularly odd memory, and my ideal version of the book would describe everything that happened to me in Ecuador. But even good authors have to cut bits out for reasons like pacing, and I felt that this chapter, whilst amusing (especially to me, who lived through it) ā€“ was a bit of a speed-bump.

The axe came down, and itā€™s never seen the light of day since.

Enjoy!

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Sleeping like an Eskimo!

Roo on an igloo bed
Roo testing out the igloo bed.

Sleeping in an Igloo!

Itā€™s one of those weird things Iā€™ve always wanted to try, so when my family wanted to know what to get me for my birthday I sent them a link to the Igludorf.com website. The response was mixedā€¦ ā€œOmg, itā€™s like extreme SAS survival training!ā€, and ā€œBut how do you sleep when its actually freezing cold?ā€ and from my dad; ā€Make sure Tony doesnā€™t stick to the ice toilet!ā€

We ended up being lucky enough to get squeezed in to a Friday night reservation because it books up pretty fast. It was a glorious bus ride up towards the ski resort village of Kuhtai in Austria, and I was SO EXCITED when it changed from rain in Innsbruck to heavier and heavier snow as we drove higher. By the time we arrived it was almost a blizzard! These snow-flakes were the biggest Iā€™ve ever seen, like Australian 20 cent pieces and so incredibly fluffy! The hardest part was actually finding the Igloo Village, because looking for white domes made of snow in heavy white snowfall was a bit tricky… (more…)

On the Road Again!

Gā€™day Adventurersā€¦ Roo here! Itā€™s my turn to take over the blog because Tony is busy writing!

Bay window
Tony working hard in a Slovenian apartment!

It’s been a very busy couple of months for us. I mean, Christmas is busy for everyone but we also had to pack up our entire lives on NYE and cram it into a storage unit in preparation for our next trip overseas… As usual, we declared that we owned far too much stuff and yet couldnā€™t seem to part with any of itā€¦ Luckily it fit into the 3m by 3m storage unit weā€™d paid for. But only because it was also 3m tall!

Storage Unit Full
VERY FULL!

It was hard leaving Perth this time. Even though we were looking forward to 6 months of adventures around Europe, my dad is selling the family home up in the Perth hills. (more…)

‘The Missing Chapters’ Part 1

Okayā€¦ hands up if you thought this would never happen? Yes folks, I am here to bring you the FIRST in a series of blog posts dedicated to the fabled ā€˜Missing Chaptersā€™ ā€“ the ones I cut from ā€˜That Bear Ate My Pants!ā€™ (and all the other books) for a wide variety of reasons.

Iā€™ve been promising to release these for what seems like yearsā€¦ Whatā€™s that? Itā€™s BEEN years? Oh, right. Yes, wellā€¦ um, sorry about that!

But at long, long last, here they are! And I have to say itā€™s been quite exciting for me, lifting the lid on all these stories I wrote so long ago, none of which have ever seen the light of day. Some are short, some have no discernable end, some ended up irrelevant in the grand narrative of the bookā€¦ and some I loved dearly, but had to cut out simply because the Powers That Be decreed my book was WAY too long to ever get publishedā€¦ Ha!

So, hereā€™s how weā€™re going to do this: Iā€™ll introduce each new chapter with a brief explanation of whatā€™s going on, perhaps adding some insights as to why it ended up on the cutting room floor. And then Iā€™ll unleash the chapter in question, with very little editingā€¦

I apologise in advance for the crudeness of the writing. I havenā€™t looked back at ā€˜That Bear Ate My Pants!ā€™ for quite a while, but I hope the final version was more polished than these early excerpts. Still, Iā€™ve written and learned a lot since those daysā€¦ perhaps itā€™s time for a thorough going-over?

Anyway! Without further ado, here is what could have been the very first chapter of ā€˜That Bear Ate My Pants!ā€™. Reading it, I think youā€™ll see why I opted for the current, cut-to-the-chase version. Actually, the real reason is: Mum convinced me it was better that way! My original intention with this start was to set the scene, to describe my journey to Ecuador and some of my encounters along the way. Whereas Mumā€™s opinion was, ā€œBollocks to that! Start at the good bit!ā€

Which of course I did. Eventuallyā€¦ Right! Buckle up. Here goes šŸ¤—

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Aftermath

So, the dust has settled on my latest incident of outright stupidity.
Am I wiser?
Stronger?
Permanently cocooned in bubble-wrap?

No ā€“ not yet, at least! I certainly feel like a bit of a plonker, though šŸ˜‰Ā Hereā€™s what they did to me:

Jaw Xray

Note the metal plates, which fixed the split down the middle of my jaw. This has caused some loss of sensation in that area, presumably due to nerves they had to cut, so a few of my more exaggerated facial expressions are now off the cards.

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Back To The Future

Guess what?Ā Itā€™s OUT!Ā Iā€™m now officially a sci-fi author!

Earthwarden Cover

But DONā€™T PANIC! As the legendary Douglas Adams would have said.Ā If youā€™re not a fan of science fiction, you donā€™t have to buy it.Ā In fact, Iā€™d rather you didnā€™t! Hereā€™s why:

Amazon is pretty much SkyNet. It knows what youā€™ve bought, and when ā€“ and it uses this to predict what youā€™ll want next. Then it throws that stuff in your face as often as possible, like the worst kind of enabler.

What happens when a huge bunch of memoir readers buys a sci-fi book is, Amazon starts recommending that book to other memoir readers. And when those people donā€™t buy it ā€“ because why on Earth would they? ā€“ Amazon deems the book a failure, and stops recommending it to anyone.

But for anyone who does have at least a passing interest in exploding spaceships and the like, the book is here:

Earth Warden on Amazon

And itā€™s currently available for just 99c/99p!

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Now That’s a Jaw Breaker

Hi folks!

So whatā€™s going on with you?Ā Iā€™m sorry, that was rhetorical, what with this being a blog post and all.Ā Feel free to answer it in the Comments though!

What I meant to say is, hereā€™s whatā€™s going on with me.

Yup, you guessed it! This is a progress update on Life, the Universe and Everything ā€“ specifically as it pertains to one particular idiot living in Perth, Australia.

First: the news!Ā (Hang onto your lunch.)

I considered doing this as a video blog, but chose not to because a) Roo is away metal detecting with her Dad, so I havenā€™t washed in a week, and b) Iā€™ve broken my jaw in three places, and am currently eating all my meals through a straw.

Wait a minute ā€“ how???

Well, because Iā€™m an idiot, I managed to fall over at a party. ā€œBut people do that all the time!ā€ I hear you cry. Alas, never one to settle for convention, I did it around 8pm, after just one drink. Amazingly, Roo had been away for less than 12 hours at this point! I also fell over in the garden ā€“ which is what makes the damage so impressiveā€¦

I told you to hang on to your lunch:

Split in Chin
How hard was that grass?

Yes, that IS bone you can see in there! Nine stitches (my first) and two metal plates (ditto) later, I have braces on whatā€™s left of my teeth, and a load of elastic bands holding my jaw shut. If you’re wondering what the mucus-like substance in the picture above is… well, it’s mucus. The hole went all the way through you see, and whilst the bleeding stopped after a couple of hours, saliva from inside my mouth kept dripping out through the hole in my chin. Which is delightful, I’m sure you’ll agree! DAMN that grass…

Silver lining: I canā€™t talk (Roo will be overjoyed when she gets back!) ā€“ and Iā€™ve already lost more than 4kg in my first week of an all-liquid diet… (more…)


Drifting Part Four

It wasnā€™t a complete disaster.

We spent our second night moored alongside the idyllic Blackmere Lake, which Roo had been looking forward to photographing. She wasnā€™t disappointed ā€“ the leaves were turning for Autumn, making for some gorgeous pics. They were also falling into the canal by the bucketload, fouling our propeller and slowing our already agonising crawl to the speed at which dinosaur turds fossilize.

Black Mere Lake

 

Having reached the southernmost point of our journey, we now had to turn the boat around. Canals being somewhat narrow, this can only be accomplished at specific places, called ā€˜winding holesā€™. Apparently this is not a place you ā€˜windā€™ like a watch (which would make sense), but rather a place you ā€˜wind,ā€™ like the stiff breeze that weā€™d been battling since Llangollen. This one was a semi-circular bite out of the opposite bank, into which we guided our nose. Between the boatā€™s somewhat delayed reactions and my Dadā€™s instinct to do exactly the opposite of what was required, I think we turned that boat around by the power of swearing alone. (more…)